The Chicago Cubs are On Tap

One Too Many Old Style's for this one

I decided to try my hand at this blogging thing by doing the one thing that all good writers do best, steal someone else's idea. I really enjoyed the "White Sox as Beer" by Many and decided to try my hand at describing my team, Los Cubs. Luckily for me, I only really have 3 players or so on this team that I have any vested, long term connection with. So I don't mind being overly critical to everyone else. Even though I hope they all play out of their minds for 3 months so that Theo can ship them out as he continues to turn this drunk tank into a perennial powerhouse. Granted, Brent Lillibridge playing out of his mind I think would only involve him successfully tying up his cleats before hitting the field but I digress. Without further ado, your 2013 Chicago Cubs as beer. I should note that some of the beer choices were in fact a collaboration between Mr. Michael Wesley and myself.

Alfonso Soriano - Big Hurt Beer by Big Hurt Brewing Company
I'll be honest, I've never had this beer, and I hope I never do, but "Big Hurt" seems to label our friend Adolfo (thanks Jon Miller) perfectly. Ever since his magical 2007 after the Cubs made a big splash in the off season its been injury after injury that has slowed Soriano to a shell of his former self. Big Hurt Beer is something that you'd have a tough time pushing at your local Binny's, and getting Alfonso Soriano out the door has proven to be an equally difficult task

Javier Baez - Four Loco by Phusion Projects
From the old man to the young up and comer. Javier is Puerto Rican, young, promising, and powerful. Four Loco is in english and spanish (I'm assuming Baez speaks the same), young kids love to get hammered off of it, it sounds like a great idea at the time, but it ends up kicking your ass and you wish you'd never heard of it.

Jeff Samardzija - Land Shark Lager by Margaritaville Brewing
Duh. Next.

Kyuji Fujikawa - Asahi Gold by Asahi Brewing
Kyuji is Japanese. Asahi is Japanese. That's all there is to it right? I mean, based off those dumb-assed headbands that are hanging on Tim Borem's bedpost there really is nothing else to an Asian right? We Cubs fans are a dense bunch.

Matt Murton - Redd's Apple Ale by Miller Coors
Wait, Murton isn't on the team anymore? Shoot. I guess I just wanted to make a soulless ginger joke at some point. Murton sucks and so does this crap.

Anthony Rizzo - Birra Moretti
Okay you got me. I just picked an Italian beer. I guess I fit into everything I said about Cubs fans in the Kyuji bio. But seriously, how lame is it that he played for Italy? I mean he's American right? *Rant* This is why soccer is not catching on in this country. Too many are not cheering for their homeland, instead their motherland. I've caught the beautiful game fever and I'm not afraid to say it. And luckily for me, both my teams are the Men In Red. Makes things easier to remember *End Rant*

Ian Stewart - Natural Ice by Anheuser Busch
Well, let's see. Natty Ice. Terrible. Ian Stewart, not much better. Ice. Used to Aid Injuries. Ian. Perpetually Injured. Plus I just get the feeling he likes this stuff.

Darwin Barney - Purple Haze by Abita Brewing
Remember that TV Show? BAH! Jokes.

Brent Lillibridge - Bud Light Lime
Opening Day our pal Brent went 0-3 3 Ks and had a botched double play ball that got Shark Face into trouble early. He's not that good. Holy Shit same with Bud Light Lime! Bonus Points: Liillibridge and Light Lime both have lot's of L's! I'd love to lick a lemon lollipop in Lillihammer!

Luis Valbuena - Bud Light Clamato Chelado
Oh boy. Luis Luis Luis Lou-We-e! He's um, our third baseman? Get on your toes I guess. What's the worst thing you could ever imagine? Oh did you say how about we take piss beer and mix it with V-8? Holy fuck that exists? Yes it does. This is America of course.

David DeJesus - Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy
His wife is good looking. Ladies like beer that tastes like lemonade instead of beer. Connection made.

Steve Clevenger and Travis Wood - Old Milwaukee
These two are not the best looking bunch. Old Milwaukee is consumed by not the best looking bunch of people. In fact, before Will Farrell started making weird Super Bowl spots I bet the only people that drank this shit are the type of middle aged, portly, balding men sitting on their couch in jorts and a ratty white tee while watching softcore porn on Showtime.

Starlin Castro - Coffee Break Abduction by Pipeworks Brewing
I love Starlin Castro. I also love Pipeworks, especially Coffee Break. There needs to be more of a connection you say? How about this: Castro is damn good at baseball, just as good as this beer is at making me smile. However, he also has a tendency to take a couple plays off in the field. He could use a cup of coffee now and then to keep himself awake out there.

[Ed Note]: I erased this post once and had to re-do it, and I've gotten increasingly drunk as this has gone along. I hope that is incredibly evident.

Love, Biff